Agh. Wedding/job/money/relationship stress.

At least I can enjoy the delicious scent from my fragrance diffuser from body shop. Maybe I should work there. That would be super cool!

I am just so not into this job i interviewed for yesterday/last week. (2 interviews)

booring. maybe i'm setting the bar too high. i dont really know. i need something to grease the wheels in between school and sleep and wedding planning (haha)... that makes it tolerable....

This week, i hate hate hate having divorced parents. Now, this post is going to be wicked long because I have been storing up the "angst" all week.

My father offered for us to have the wedding at his house- with the flowers, set up, chairs, EVERYTHING i want. paid for. so I'm like- ok, this is great- maybe. it's on the lawn. no one has to go in the house.

and it's paid for. all of it. that would be nice.

of course my mom is like flipping out at the mention of it. our priority should be going to school and buying a house. not spending thousands on a wedding that is what other people want. there is no point in that, and it's a total waste.

i hate the knot. i'm starting to, really. it's annoying how people let this shit become everything. i think i'm going to stop that, cold turkey, and figure out what i want.

i think the golf club is sort of ugly.
i think that there only need to be like 50 people there, 75 tops.
i think it should be in a really unique place, with unique vendors, great music and wonderful food. it should be focused, coordinated and there shouldnt be any stress. i want a fabulous gown, veil, the works. by fabulous i mean more couture sleek than pouffy. i hate ball gowns too.

there is something wrong with me, i keep changing my mind. i am so indecisive about this wedding (what is it that they say about weddings bringing out the worst in everyone) that i am even driving myself crazy. i think that the photographer would probably hunt me down if i changed my mind again. i really think that dan would flip out and leave. or at least, scream a lot and his parents would think i'm crazy.

i just know i cant have what i want, because what i dont want must happen. my parents will be nasty a weird and fight, my grandfather will be an asshole, dan will just stay out of it, and i will be pissed off all day. most of all, i know that there will be at least 70 people there that we wouldnt have invited without our parents' input.

but because they are paying for their guests, they have the power to invite whoever. it's out of control.

at least ive narrowed down the hundreds of ideas for the dress, hair, etc. im settled with that(for real). now i just have the everything else to deal with. agh.

It will be one year until we get married tomorrow. Eeek! Something about this deadline (which came up REALLY fast) is freaking me out. I've gone into bridezilla mode for the past week. I'm dreaming about places we've seen and i actually had to create a bin for wedding crap- not inclusive, of course, of the bins of actual stuff we have collected in the front closet.

so i'm going back to school on June 26th. In the meantime, I am looking for part time work, organizing, and relaxing and reflecting. I don't want to work full time and take like a billion science classes. i don't respect the vet anymore who treated yoshi- he never called to offer his condolences after we spent over three thousand dollars there. and he knew that he was my son.

i miss him. we threw out his cage today, looking at it was making me sad. and then i realized that a useless inanimate object won't bring him back, it wont fix him. it will only remind me of him being sick. i also threw out his dex and the syringe we were using for his heart medicine.

i want to get a dog someday, when the wound isnt so raw. i love my cats, but i loved how yoshi was really a companion- he greeted me when i got home (so do the cats, but it's different) and it was like taking care of him made me feel great. i miss the nurturing, i've stopped blaming myself, and i'm sleeping better at night- other than the wedding b.s.

i'm really mad at my previous employer. in fact, i'm furious. it keeps coming up in my mind. i'm starting to get really frustrated with sitting at home, looking for work and thinking. it's going to be weird to go back to work.

i've been researching grad programs like crazy, and finally opening up about some of the wedding plans to my mom- was afraid to share for a while.

i was obsessed with ebay last week. this week im more obsessed with cleaning, which is way more productive anyway. today i was obsessed with finding a dress i want for a lot less than retail. i'll update you on this effort. i also decided tentatively on bridesmaid dresses, and of course accessories for myself a bit.

we have made a few music decisions, which has become a huge part of our planning. i think i'd like to add some other entertainment for the cocktail hour, maybe a photo booth for the reception. what, a carnival? no... it's a wedding. maybe we'll just have something like a street performer during the cocktail hour (plus music of course) and then a sketch artist during the reception. we want strings for the ceremony. that should be really really nice. anyway, got to sort out some ceremony location photos before i go to bed.

here's to the pre- anniversary!

yay!

365 days until i can change my name to princess consuela banana hammock.

kidding! i am SOOOO not changing my name.

hehe.


.... this is a potential ceremony site.
- ali

Yoshi died yesterday, on my birthday. I was laid off on Thursday; it was a really rough week.

Of course, being laid off is nothing compared to Yoshi's very fast and untimely death- we brought him to the vet emergency hospital 45 minutes away, as he got weaker in my arms. That morning we went out anyway, trying to enjoy my birthday a little bit. He wasn't eating but he was OK, not awful. He deteriorated very quickly while we were gone. Dan went out to get ferretone and I paged the vet. I knew that morning that it was the end, but I didn't think the end would come at about 6:30 pm, while dan and i were in the other room and my son was in an oygen tank with an iv, as we tried in vain to bargain with death. We were screaming in my car minutes before yoshi decided to go on his own with us in the next room- i will never forgive myself for meandering over the decision to put him to sleep or to give him a chance. We were having such a hard time, and he made the decision for us- he was such a good kid. Such a fighter. I held him in the car the whole drive down.... i loved him so much and told him so. I told him he was the most giving, caring creature i had ever met and will ever meet, and that i didn't want him to leave me. we told him we loved him. I'll never forget his lifeless body lying there, peaceful. he looked scared, and i'll never forgive myself. ever. i miss him so much; i knew this was coming, but nothing could ever prepare us for this. i miss his smell and hugging him; he was so perfect...
we get his ashes back in a few weeks. i surprised myself by not doing a necropsy. the house feels so empty. so does my heart.

so i will do everything i can to honor his memory, to fight adv.

it's hard to work with animals when you're at the end of the cycle of pet ownership. goodnight, my angel. mommy loves you so much.

- alison




The Rainbow Bridge
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.

For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.

The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

revised - original author unknown

A lot has happened since the last time I updated- let's recap. Yoshi started showing clinical signs of Aleutian Disease around Valentine's Day when his heart rate was around 300 bpm and he begans presenting with signs of hind end weakness. He is now on medication twice a day, a steroid to supress the ADV and a beta blocker for his heart. He was on another medication that wasn't working, so now his heart has FINALLY slowed down as of this past monday. We took him up to an animal cardiologist in the last blizzard we had- that was crazy.
I am no longer at the animal shelter, and i am much happier working in marketing for a corporation. I hope to get promoted and then one year after that, find a job in the city so I can finally earn a living. Grad school will also be involved at one point or another. Overall, I am very happy and doing very well now that Yoshi is acting great and his symptoms are suppressed- for now. It's weird how much you love them, I didn't really realize how much I love all of my animals until we had to (literally) risk our lives for one- the cardiologist was over an hour north, and the snow storm was the worst of the whole winter. We were in my golf, and it was NOT FUN. but it was an emergency; based on how well he's doing now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

as i mentioned in a previous post, we've picked a new date, location, look, etc. it's funny, because what is precipitating this entry is that today is the day of Lauren's wedding... what started all of the madness to begin with. I hope after today, I'll be able to put everything behind me.
i'm in communications with a high end dressmaker and awaiting fabric samples. I have no doubt in my mind that the dress i wear on our wedding day will be wonderful, beautiful and throughly me.
the dress i picked at that time was not me anymore because i have changed in the past few months.
today will also be the last time i see lauren. i am going to her wedding because i committed to it, but i will gracefully bow out of her life after this day, because she tried to be me. and honestly- the me she tried to be was less me than me today.
i've quit smoking for good, am on a weight loss regime and exercise regularly. i have a professional job with benefits and paid time off. I don't take shit for granted, wishing it were different.
in some way, perhaps the change she precipitated in me is why all this happened. there is something odd about it, but i'm finally in a place where i can move on from that phase of my life, and have a few drinks in the meantime.
we will return tonight to give yoshi his medicine and check on the rest of the brood.
you know, and today is henry bean's birthday. our youngest is turning one, and dan and i are making a huge fuss over him.


...yoshi and i.



happy birthday henry bean!!!

since i finally figured out how to post pictures and i'm a total jewelry nerd... here is a picture of my e- ring....

Oh.my.

I am so stressed out. Worried about Shi and Reese, they are getting bloodwork on the 7th as well as exams. We'll see what the Dr. says, I guess. Have to be on hyper alert mode now. Grr.

Flo's vacation starts in a few days, which means I'll be there all the time. I placed an ad in the Pennysaver today, they can kiss my ass if they have a problem with it because i am not staying there all the time, and I hate my job, so we need people so i can leave without feeling guilty. Flo is a whore, i hate her. she does stupid shit on purpose. i hate her so so so so much.
I have three tests next monday, and am working a lot lately. flo's vacation starts the day before my test, and of course, i am working like three weekends in a row.

wedding planning is finally starting to take a toll. not that i don't like to do it. i just feel very pressured... we have pushed back the date and are looking for a new location because of what mohonk did to the garden...

i am sick of fucking looking. we looked at our 16th place tonight. i really like locust grove, but my dad added like 20 more people so i cant have the wedding i want. i wish we could get married at the palm house, but i dont see dan EVER going for that. i just want a nice, pretty relaxed wedding that has lots of flowers and is elegant. you'd think i'm asking for something crazy, but our wedding is too big for most places. it fucking sucks and is wearing me out. will we ever find a place as beautiful as mohonk?

tired. bed.

So yoshi had the massive spleen surgery on the 26th of october. it's been a little over three weeks now, and he is healing beautiful. so his histopathology came back as benign- nothing cancerous... the vet says that all of his tissues and organs look great. this was very pleasing to me. So he's recovering really well, and i am feeling anxious about this last test to come back- kind of a long shot, but it needed to be ruled out based on his really high gammablobulins.
I finally got the call from the dr. yesterday- yoshi has aleutian disease. my son has aleutian disease. the thing that kills me is- what does this mean, exactly? no one knows. so little is known about this really rare disease- other than the fact that it is contagious, mind you, and if active it causes the ferret to waste away to nothing... and sometimes causes ascending paralysis.
so i've been scouring the internet and have seen everything from- "well, it's not good, but it is not usually active and the ferret lives a normal life" to "use parvocide on everything and you can never have ferrets again"
i'm just confused. dr. factor did see the patient last night, who for the first time asked us to spray after yoshi peed on the floor with this clearly not often used stuff. he's trying to protect his patients, and now having yoshi in public is a liability. that's scary. what's scarier is that i am an overprotective freak with all of my animals- especially the yosh- meister and something really strange has happened. my ferrets did not go outside by my choice before- and now they can't because of the risk they pose to other ferrets.
it's contagious, right? so all three of my ferrets could be affected... i'm looking at the other two with the same critical eye i've had on yoshi for the past year.
the dr. said that i made the right decision to take out yoshi's spleen. it makes him more comfortable. it makes him happier. he has gained weight since the surgery despite the lack of spleen. he is considered a carrier right now, and that's awesome. i'm just still kind of reeling from how much has changed in the past 24 hours.

Sometimes it takes someone pissing you off to make you realize how stressed out you are. I was on the phone with my mother last night, and I was telling her how Yoshi's been pretty active lately, and how he climber over me yesterday to trot off into the living room and climb into the couch- which is srtictly forbidden. He was getting his AM meds, and he decided that it was time to have some fun. So then she asked me something that pissed me off for a lot of complicated reasons- she asked if I was having any second thoughts about taking his spleen out.
I guess I just felt like she wasn't being supportive, or trying make me doubt what is best for Yoshi. I don't really know, but then she pressed on. She said, "it's just that the recovery is so long" (how does she know) and she said "there are always risks with surgery." She knows me, and she knows that I research the hell out of everything before I do it, from whether to go to new release movie to buying a backpack to a major surgery on my Yoshi. Of course I know, from several different sources, including two vets that specialize in ferrets. I know that he could never bounce back from surgery. I know that he might need his spleen in the future. I know that he may lose a lot of blood during the surgery. I know that he will need to be separated from his brothers for ten days. But if all goes well, Yoshi will feel like himself again. Yoshi will be able to live in the big cage, and I won't have to hover over him and come home between classes and between work and school to check on him and make sure he doesn't need to be rushed to the vet. I won't lose sleep and obsess about what's wrong with him. I won't feel like I have to tell him I love him every five minutes because it might be the last time he hears it. I won't think that I am not doing what I should be, which is take out his spleen. I'm hoping, heck- maybe even praying and bargaining with God that everything will be OK with him, and that he can live a long, happy life. I also wish for the strength to always do what's best for him. She knows all of this, and she knows that I've agonized over this decision for months and months, and been through emotional hell since Dr. Factor found the nodule on his spleen and recommended an ultrasound with biopsy. I want him to be happy, and sometimes, it's nice to think about a time when I'm not nearly as stressed as I am now. I'd like to be able to live my life without this always in the back of my mind.
So I told her that I was upset that she had said that. Of course, she took offense. I conceded, I'd said what I needed to say and I didn't feel like arguing with her. Yoshi is in excellent hands, and I love him- and he knows that. That's all I really, really have with him right now.
I'm bringing him back to Dr. Mitchell for a recheck tomorrow- I want to make sure his breathing and lungs are OK, because it looks like it might be slightly labored when he's in his hammock. She had assured me that fluid in the lungs wouldn't happen this quickly, and that his xray was completely normal- but I want to be SURE. I think he's uncomfortable when he's in the one position in his hammock because of the huge organ and that's the cause of his icky breathing, which is very close to normal.
So I'm still in school, and I'm doing really well grades-wise. Work is VERY stressful right now, but compared to the situation with Yoshi (admittedly created by me, his paranoid mother who should really consider having human children since she has a compulsive need to nurture) it doesn't even really matter. The board is being retarded again, but whatever- I have off Saturday AND Sunday this week, and we're going to IKEA as long as everything is OK with prince yoshi tomorrow at the vet.
I have to call them and make an appointment at 8:30 am so I can get the first available appointment. I've already cancelled my tutoring session so I have the whole morning free for whenever they can see him.
Yoshi is acting like himself- he's anxious to play, eating like crazy, and drinking a lot. Dan reports that he is wrestling with Shiloh as I write this as they enjoy playtime in the other room. I know that my mom was responding to his doing well- I just am in a pressure cooker of stress right now, with my free time consummed with this stuff. I'm really tired, and need a vacation. I love my animals, but at the moment I'm so overwhelmed. I know I have to keep going, and put it all together the best way I can... but here, in the space I use to write what I'm feeling--- I'll admit that I am so tired, so scared, and terrified of what's to come. I don't know about vet school, but I'll take my science classes so I can work in health care. I don't know if I want to work where I work anymore, it can be so hard- not because of the animals, but the people. I want to love working at an animal shelter, but most days I just feel drained beyond belief.
Despite being really stressed, I'm feeling pretty good. I love school, and working hard is always satisfying. I enjoy the time I spend planning our wedding, it's such a nice release and I feel like I have complete control. I'm going to go check on Yoshi and then watch some TV. Goodnight, and thanks for listening.

I have had a VERY long week. Overall, Yoshi seems fine. All I want to do it hug him and carry him around, my heart is breaking into a million pieces, but I can't slow down for more than a few minutes to think about myself.
We brought him into his other vet for a second opinion, who said that the recommendation for the cancer center was more for the size of the ultrasound machine. Then we did bloodwork and x-rays for more answers, and we're going ahead with the ultrasound- which is this morning. I can't be present for it, I have Chemistry lab that be impossible to make up if I miss.
His x-ray came back normal, just a huge spleen, and his bloodwork was normal except for his total protein- which was really high. The first thing the vet said could be a possible cause was Aleutian diease... which would be catastrophic- and contagious. I wonder if something else could be causing the high protein result, or maybe it is the Helicobacter.
We'll see what happens with the ultrasound today.

Do you ever wish for an out of body experience?

Ah. Two days off in a row, both work and school. We're going to Fortunoff tomorrow to update our registry. Wedding planning has taken a backseat to school and work the past week, as expected. We're having some onions, tomatoes, and shrimp for dinner, with some white wine. MMmmmmm. This is going to rock.
I have landslides of homework and manager's reports to catch up on- so will NOT rock. But whatever. I'm happy I'm in school, and think I will do really well. Vet school, step two.
I'm getting into arts and crafts again. I'm very excited about this. Yay.
I got bitten in the face by a cat on Tuesday. That sucked- I had to go to Medicus and I'm on antibiotics. Nothing permanent, that's good.

I'm out.

HI.
I started school today with mixed feelings. I really like the vibe there more during the day- it reminds me of UB. Cool. But then I came home to a landslide of bills, after spending some money on books and anguishing over the wedding budget and feeling guilty around Dan everytime I see him because he's had to shell out money for deposits galore. ICK.
I'm a demon when it comes to money, I'll admit it. My dad was overindulgent, we went out to dinner a lot and I had nice-ish clothes. I lived in a nice house filled with guilt because my dad expresses love through money, or at least he used to. Then he cut me off and Dan took care of me for a long time as I bumbled through school to earn a degree that earns me nothing except a few letters after my last name which invoke sneers and head shaking.... who the hell cares about a B.A., really? Not employers, not anyone but the person who earned it. So I fumbled around for oh, a year and a half or so, and then I decided to go back to school. I had no money for a little while, then I had money, but no time. Now I have some time and a little more money, but I'm petrified of not having it- because when I didn't have it, my clothes had disgusting holes and I walked around like a homeless person.
I didn't have health insurance until last month, the thing that forced me to consider it and actually sign up for it was that I found a lump on my boob. Now this is not a big deal, unless you have a family history of breast cancer. This cost a small fortune, at least a small fortune to someone who works at a non- profit with no health insurance. So i got the health insurance, they increased the premium I pay each month because of some yearly increase (by like 30 dollars a month, which is a lot over a year) and THEN i'm also paying off this 700 dollar bill. Then I have the school shit to worry about- I got TAP, but I still have to pay 150 a month for that, so add the premium plus the bill, plus trying to whittle down my admittedly STUPID credit card balance (why did I get a credit card again?) add a car payment, plus an insurance payment, plus rent- and uh, I'm fucking poor again. Gas to work and school and whatnot will be the same as it was before, I need to get my teeth cleaned AGAIN, and I need to go back to the fucking eye doctor. Neither one of those things are covered by my insurance, which is why I didnt bother to get it in the first place. So, here we are. I'm in a bind, and I don't know what the fuck to do. I have until like 9 pm tonight to drop my classes, and I don't know if I can afford school right now because the damn medical bill set me over the edge. It's always like this whenever I try to go to school. I have issues galore! I'm pissed. And what pisses me off the most is that it will be like this forever if I go to vet school, but I can't think of anything else I would rather do. Dammit.
I feel somewhat better.

*Alison

Agh- don't want summer to end. I have been so not into work lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. Fiona was cool. Ren Faire was cooler. Dutchess County Fair- maybe, we might go. So busy the past few weeks, and I'm *supposed* to start school in a little over a week! Ick!
I'm very tired. We've been meeting with vendors pretty much every night; tonight we met with who will be our officiant, last night I was in Manhattan, and the night before we met with a DJ. I have to go dress shopping tomorrow night @ the Town Shop. I think I need to go back out and get some Diet Pepsi. I was totally in the zone at work today, I really busted my ass to get shit done and get the hell out of there before we had to go to Carmel @ 4:30. So we booked Mohonk, have a photographer, are looking for a music option, are meeting with florists next week, and I have a firm idea of the dress thing, as well as hair, makeup, and accessories. It's going pretty well I think.
Henry spent the day at the vet, he seemed a bit dopey and lethargic. Poor kid; he's on Clindamycin now, but he seems to feel better already after spending the day with Aunt Laura. Hahah! LB is planning a St. Paddy's Day wedding and seems stressed. I really like that our officiant is down with the whole pre- marital counseling thing- not that we really need it too much, but it certainly couldn't hurt!
I think I'll put Dan in charge of all things honeymoon. Check my profile for the countdown to the wedding...
www.mohonk.com

oh boy. I'm so tired of this shit, but I just want to get it out of the way before I launch myself into a crazy school schedule. I'm most excited about my business class. Is that bad? I am so not looking forward to bio, chem and stats. Argh.

We are trekking it out to New Rochelle to scope out a country club I found online. Our guest list has swelled to 285 (of course that includes you fine people) and my father won't talk to me about his side of the family and the possibility of a higher number.

Surprisingly, my mother has been very helpful. I am going crazy... we drove down to Brooklyn/Queens/ Long Island on Saturday to check out some locations there. Suffice to say, it was a rather dissappointing bust- Brooklyn Museum is so expensive it's disgusting, the BBG are also expensive and not so impressive as I thought they would be to justify the expense and the place on Long Island- among friends here- was very scary and just not us at all.

I would love to get married in Buffalo, but that just might make things impossible. My Maid of Honor got engaged herself over the weekend. Congrats Lauren! This is nuts! We're (well, I'm) trying to set the date for next summer, but all of that is in the air. I have a particular date in mind, and I guess I'll reveal it if it works out.

I'm getting my second rabies shot today for the pre-exposure booster for work. I'd like to also get a tetanus to guard against cat bites during my third vaccine in August- so that should be throughly enjoyable.

We're going to a Fiona Apple concert @ Mohegan Sun with friends in less than a week! I'm excited, and can't wait to get the f**k out of here for a few days. We're going to Mystic Aquarium, I haven't been there in years and I am so fucking excited. Oh and hello, gambling!!!!!! There are so many restaurants in the casino, my salad eating mind and body quivers at the thought of a delicious meal prepared with lots of cheese.


We spent like 30 bucks on cheese on Sunday. I think it's an addiction, but not one that I would like to stop. I love cheese, it's like my crack. Only it's legal. I was very sad on Sunday when Dan accidentally dropped his pate on the floor and was upset. We tried to rescue it, but we have cats and the floor is carpeted.

I'm totally into the Adams tradition on Sunday. It's kind of like a farmers market only not. It's f*ing awesome. That's where we spend our cheese money.

I want to move to Boston.

I have to go.
* Ali

p.s.- This is my orange cat. Isn't he cute? His name is Henry Bean.

In a few hours, I will be standing over the exam table at the vet while one of my favorite cats from work slips into lifelessness.
He has been struggling with thryoid issues for years, and last night, I realized that his time has come- and I will help him leave this life without being in pain. I started wondering on the teary drive home last night if there is a place that they go afterwards, or if this is really it for them. I' m not religious by any means, but it's very hard to deal with death all the time like this and just accept that it's over.
yoshi says a hardy hello!!!
more later.

For those of you who don't know, my mother was married recently in a small Westchester ceremony. There was beer, laughter, weirdness.
I had a health scare this week, am getting really burnt out by my job, and find I want to spend more time reading magazines than thinking about cats.
My scare was nothing more than a scare, and I'm OK. My Mom's wedding changed everything. During my, in hindsight, minor health issue (NO I DID NOT THINK I WAS PREGNANT) I saw a woman with her hair tied back, lugging around a medium sized child. (I think they call them toddlers?) I'm not sure, whatever. I thought about lugging around a dog, my maternal instinct with animals, and the people I've met in the animal care field. None of them have, or want kids. I don't right now, but my resolve against any sort of child (definately adopted, if any) is weakening. I'm not saying I'm all breeder- like, but I swear if my boss had to choose between saving a cat in the middle of the road and me, she'd choose the cat. I'm weirded out by the intense hatred for other human beings. Of course, I have a bitterness towards people that can only be acquired through a careful mix of a fucked up childhood, a few years in retail and a bevy of bad decisions- but I find the fact that someone would put the health and well-being of an animal over a human being is pretty weird.
I love animals- but it feels just strange being immersed in this weird world. I need to take time off and figure out what the fuck is going on. Maybe I'll realize that I just needed time off, but most likely- I'll think hard and realize that I think animals are keen, but I would rather not have my hand mangled because someone was afraid to scruff a cat too hard.
i have a lot to consider.
i'm tired.

one of my coworkers (actually the newly promoted assistant manager) went to the E.R. on Monday with chest pains, shortness of breath, etc. I was so worried about her, and my workaholic self is calling her and talking to her on her way to the hospital.
Yesterday she scared the shit out of me by greeting me in the hallway- it was an anxiety attack brought on by stress at work. I'm looking around me and all of us are coming down with health issues. I joke around incessantly to make everyone smile, but the environment is like a pressure cooker. When I come in I'm there for 10, 12, or 13 hour days, but it isn't the hours, really.
it's the fact that the caretaker is always on your back, but always leaves you with something to do. and the board that is more than happy to pile on work for the manager, but is afraid to give the caretaker who lives there for free a list of duties. so she was on Dawn's case on Monday, and Sunday, and got that characteristic sassy look on her face and attitude. I have to approach the board (again) abotu Flo's attitude and lack of doing anything at work. THen I have to be prepared to leave, because after months of fighting, I am finally really raelizing that it is pointless.

So Yoshi is OK- Doc checked his blood sugar and said that there was nothing to reallly be too concerned about, and even said that we could back off his meds. His blood sugar is normal.
I have so much to say, so many deep things. I think I had an epiphany last night.

Thank you for your kind thoughts about my little angel boy, who of course suckered someone else at the vets office with his charms. Yoshi is so the casanova.

Hello. I haven't been writing much lately for a myriad of reasons. I alternate between having not much to say and too much to say, and then by the time I get around to writing, I don't know how to put it into words.
Work is shitty. School went poorly and I am discouraged, but I know that it mostly went poorly due to my shitty job and its many demands on my time, body, and brain. At least I'm learning a lot, although the pay isn't great and I don't have health insurance.
Yoshi was doing fairly well until a few days ago. Now he seems to just lay down for most of his playtime, hopefully JUST plagued and exhausted by his large spleen. There are many possible reasons for his super big spleen, and although the vet and I have discussed this at length and the vet thinks that there is no reason for his big spleen, I have the worst case scenario playing out in my mind over and over. I've been torturing myself for the past few months since he had his first surgery on Christmas Eve (he had a hairball, required surgery that likely caused the already enlarged spleen to increase in size in the first place). I'll say it here- what if he has cardiomyopathy? Unlikely, since his gums are nice and pink, but could be a cause and would answer my concerns about his weakness.. which could also be simply caused by exhaustion- the equivalent of the size of the spleen is like a human carrying around a 30 pound spleen.
I also worry that the underlying cause is insulinoma or adrenal disease, both of which would be discovered when his spleen is removed. Ferrets supposedly do really well without spleens, but there is a chance that his life will be shortened by what is for most intents and purposes an elective surgery. Of course, either way he'll have to be on drugs for life, I will be a wreck during his surgery and through his recovery, and no matter what happens- I'll worry myself sick.
And I thought I had animals because I didn't want kids?
I know all of this might seem trivial- but I am really crazy about this creature. He is the sweetest, most human- like animal I've met. He's funny, strong- willed, and will just curl up in your arms and go to sleep. I love him so much.

what is the matter with me? I'm exhausted all the time. it probably doesn't help that i've been working a ton of hours and i officially loathe my job. i'm sick of investing my youth in stupidity.

that's all i have to say.

i miss working at the photo lab.